This Product Has Been Tested on Humans

Fair warning: this post is not about human food.

I mean, it could be, but that might get weird.

We're going to talk about critters!

awkward family photo.

These are my critters, Sprinkles the cat (10?) and Juniper the cattle dog mix (1.5).

Right now Sprinkles is very sick and in the kitty hospital. She has a messed up heart and it's causing a bunch of other problems. She's in good care at Veterinary Medical and Surgical Group in Ventura.  Though I'm worried about her, I know she isn't suffering right now, so I'm trying to look on the bright side. Juniper, however, has been moping all over the place because her favorite kitty is not home. As much as Juni thinks cats are for chasing, she knows that Sprinkles is alpha and runs the show. Smart puppy.

So I wanted to do something nice for my sad puppy that misses her kitty friend. Ya know, other than rescue her from the pound and stuff. So I baked for her!

These treats are not grain-free, but they are 100% natural and 1000000x  better than what you can buy at PetSmart for you dog. Plus, they are really tasty. I checked.

Natural Dog Treats
two dozen

1 small or 1/2 large granny smith apple, roughly chopped
1 medium banana, roughly chopped
1/4 c. egg whites (2-3, depending on size of egg)
3 tbsp creamy natural peanut butter (ingredients: peanuts.)
1.25-1.5 cups rolled oats

Preheat oven to 350F
In a food processor, puree apple and banana until it looks like baby food

Transfer to a bowl and stir in peanut butter and egg whites

Stir in oats

Scoop with a tablespoon or melon baller onto a cooking sheet

Bake for 25 minutes

Let cool before giving to fido!

we're very good at "leave it"
Okay, eat!

sorry about the slobber on the carpet, mom!
You could also add parsley and/or mint to this recipe to help clean up stinky dog breath and aid digestion.

Ps I totally plan on eating these for breakfast. Stop judging me.

Here are some invaluable resources for dog owners. Bookmark em!
Toxic foods for dogs - if I see one more person feed a dog a grape, I am going to kill someone.
Dog Food Ratings - see how your brand measures up!


Brussel Sprouts

Have you ever noticed how brussel sprouts look like tiny brains?

They totally do! This doesn't deter me from eating them, oddly enough. It's funny how brussel sprouts are presented in pop culture as the most detestable vegetable yet they are very popular on menus right now. Probably cause they're so good with bacon. What's not?

I roasted mine with a meyer lemon olive oil, hawaiian sea salt, and fresh cracked pepper.

They really don't need anything more!

Except a squeeze of fresh lemon juice at the end!

Simple Roasted Brussel Sprouts
for four


  • 4 cups whole brussel sprouts
  • 2 tbsp flavorful EVOO
  • 2 tsp sea salt
  • 1/2 lemon
  • Preheat oven to 400F
  • Clean up brussel sprouts by trimming off the base, splitting in half, and removing any imperfect leaves
  • Place in a big bowl and drizzle with EVOO, salt, and pepper
  • Toss until well coated
  • Spread on to a baking sheet lined with foil (easy clean up!)
  • And roast for 30 minutes, flipping sprouts every 10
  • When finished roasting, squeeze fresh lemon juice over them and serve
If you don't have a fruity flavorful EVOO, add some lemon zest! 

Ps, check out the new Shopping List page on my blog! It's a quick list of go-to healthy foods to have on hand at all times!


Jalapeno Popper Pizza, Hold the Guilt

Ingredients for Jalapeno Poppers:

  • Bacon
  • Cream cheese and/or cheddar cheese
  • Jalapenos...
  • Batter
  • Deep fryer
  • Heart attack
  • Extra 10-15 pounds of body fat
Yummmyyyy! Except those heart attack and body fat parts...

The notion of Jalapeno popper pizza was mentioned to me by Bobbie (shout out!), who follows What's Gaby Cooking on twitter, who pinned an image of jalapeno popper pizza from Heather Cristo Cooks. Did you follow that?

I immediately accepted the personal challenge to healthify that shit. 

Here ya go, peeps. Healthy jalapeno popper pizza. Eat your hearts out. But don't, cause that's gross.

Jalapeno Popper Pizza, Hold the Guilt
for 4

  • 1 package whole wheat pizza dough from TJ's or Whole Paycheck (Whole Foods)
  • 2-4 tbsp whole wheat flour
  • cooking spray
  • 1/2 c. light whipped cream cheese
  • 3 jalapenos - 2 finely diced, 1 chopped into half moons
  • 4 pieces turkey bacon, cooked until crispy and crumbled
  • 5 oz. cooked chicken breast, sliced (optional)
  • 1/2 c. shredded light cheddar or mexican blend
  • 1/4 c. panko bread crumbs
  • Preheat oven to 450 F (or whatever the pizza dough package recommends)
  • Cook turkey bacon in oven for 15 minutes or until super crispy
  • Meanwhile, on a clean surface, sprinkle 2 tbsp flour
  • Remove dough from package and place on counter or surface of choice
  • Let it chill for 20 minutes. There's nothing more annoying than trying to roll out cold, elastic-y pizza dough
  • This is a good time to do your prep work 
    • Crumble turkey bacon
    • Dice and chop jalapenos (be sure to remove white ribbing and seeds, or your face will burn off starting with your mouth)
    • Chop chicken
  • After prescribed time has passed, roll out pizza dough into a rectangular 12x18 shape using a rolling pin and a sprinkle of flour to keep the pin from sticking to the dough
  • The dough will be thin. This is a good thing. It's called carb control.
  • Spray a baking sheet with cooking spray and transfer dough to sheet
  • Par bake in oven for 4 minutes, or until dough is just barely cooked through
  • Remove from oven
  • Spread cream cheese on hot crust. The heat will melt the cream cheese and make it nice and spreadable.
  • Sprinkle over diced jalapeno and turkey bacon. 
  • Then add chicken slices big chunks of jalapeno. You know, for good measure.
  • Sprinkle over shredded cheese
  • Bake for another 6-8 minutes, or until cheese is melted, bubbly, and all toppings are sizzling hot
  • Remove from oven and sprinkle over panko breadcrumbs
  • Slice into 8 pieces and serve with a big salad or something with nutritional merit
  • And tabasco, cause it's not hot enough
 Seriously, don't fear the jalapenos. If you're using fresh jalapenos and are careful to remove all seeds and white membrane, they really are sweet and like spicy bell peppers. It's not a bad idea to taste your jalapenos first to make sure you don't have a super spicy bunch. Also, DO NOT use canned jalapenos. You will experience the Colorado Rockies Nacho Disaster of 2011. I don't want to talk about it.

Also, I like protein and fear carbs, which is why I added chicken to my recipe. You can omit if you want a more classic jalapeno popper.

And the panko? Well, poppers are usually fried, so this recipe is missing that breading crunch. The panko takes care of that. But it can also be omitted too if it creeps you out. People are weird with food. If you're weird with food then you probably won't like this blog, cause I'm not afraid of any sort of food. Except eel. Ick.

But, hello! Light cheeses, whole wheat, thin crust dough, turkey bacon? All delicious things! You don't need that extra saturated fat! I promise you that you will love this pizza. 

And it is super good with tabasco, so don't be shy.

Side note! This is my 100th post! If this were the Ellen show you'd all get $100 or something like that. But since it's not, you can just make yourself some pizza and be grateful. 


Cashew Slaw

Today I learned one thing: Wine in a bag isn't that good.

I tried the Eco Vino from Trader Joe's in cabernet sauvignon flavor.


  • 2 bottles of wine in one package
  • portability - if you drop it, it won't break!
  • $12.99
  • awesome little spout that aerates as it pours
  • handle?
  • taste
Deal broken.

Luckily I had dinner to look forward to, cause wine time was hugely disappointing. This one is super flavorful, salty, spicy, sweet, nutty, yummy. Also, healthy! Duh.

Cashew Slaw
six servings

  • 4 cups shredded cabbage
  • 2 cups broccoli slaw
  • 1 cup shredded carrots
  • 1 large red pepper, julienned
  • 1/2 c. shelled edamame
  • 4 green onions, diced
  • 1/2 c. cilantro, chopped
  • 3/4 c. cashews, chopped
  • 1 tbsp smooth peanut butter or cashew butter
  • 1 garlic clove, grated
  • 1 tbsp grated ginger
  • 2 tsp sesame oil
  • 1/2 c. seasoned rice vinegar
  • 1/4 c. soy sauce
  • 2 tsp hot chili sauce
  • In a large bowl, toss cabbage, broc slaw, carrots, pepper, edamame, green onion, and cilantro
  • In a bowl, combine PB, garlic, ginger, sesame oil, vinegar, soy sauce, and hot sauce
almost as good as sriracha
  • If you happen to have an almost empty peanut butter jar, take advantage of it!
  • Whisk or shake all ingredients well
  • Pour dressing over salad
  • Toss
  • Add chopped nuts right before serving
  • Serve with a garnish of lime
You could also add protein like grilled chicken or shrimp to make this a complete meal. I had a side of pan fried gyoza and a cup of miso soup. No wine.

I like cashews for their flavor, but also because you can get these bombtastic Thai lime and chili ones from Trader Joes. I die. They taste like tom yum soup... on a cashew. So... they taste like heaven.

 Oh! I also learned a new trick. Hopefully I'm not the only idiot with this problem. I always buy ginger root and then forget to use the whole thing. It sits in the fruit drawer of the fridge and rots, or gets so soft and soggy I don't want to use it. Apparently you can store ginger in the freezer! Not only does this preserve it but it also keeps it nice and firm for efficient grating! The more you know...

Now, stop drooling and enjoy your weekend.


One Pot One-der

When you're running short on time and staaarvvviinngg, the last thing you want to do is whip up a salad. Too. Much. Effort. Unless you're one of those people that plans ahead and pre-chops your veggies. You're a smart one.  Unfortunately, I fail to plan ahead and end up chewing on string cheese and cookies. Cool.

So just when you've gotten to the end of your nutrition rope and need a way to make up your vegetable deficit, enter ME.

You're welcome.

Garden Harvest Chili
more than enough for 6 hungry people


  • 2 small zucchini, halved and then sliced into half moons
  • 1 small onion, chopped
  • 2 bell peppers, chopped
  • 2 large jalapenos, halved, cored, and finely diced
  • 3 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1 tbsp EVOO
  • 1 tbsp chili powder
  • 2 tsp cumin
  • 1 large can + 1 small can of diced tomatoes
  • 1 can black beans
  • 1 can kidney beans
  • 1 tbsp dried oregano
  • 1 tbsp dried parsley 
  • S + P to taste
  • cornstarch slurry: 1 tbsp cornstarch + 1 tbsp cold water
  • Optional: 2 cups chopped chicken, ground turkey, sausage, or quinoa (for vegetarian)
  • Heat oil in a large soup pot over med-high heat
  • Add onion, garlic, and jalapeno and cook 1-2 minutes, or until soft
  • Add peppers and zuch and cook another 2-3 minutes
  • Add cumin and chili powder, stir into veggies, and let spices get all aromatic and wonderful
  • Add tomatoes and beans, oregano, and parsley
  • Bring to boil 
  • Taste broth and add s+p to taste
  • Add protein (optional) and bring back to boil
  • Reduce to simmer and cook for 10 minutes so flavors can get all delicious
  • I like my chili nice and thick, so I stir in a cornstarch slurry to thicken up the juices
  • Serve with a dollop of greek yogurt and a sprinkle of light cheese!

You should probably serve that chili with a healthy cornbread, don't you think?

Jalapeno Cheddar Yogurt Cornbread
 12 servings


  • 1 cup cornmeal
  • 1 cup whole wheat flour
  • 2 1/2 tbsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 3 tbsp white sugar
  • 1/4 c. finely diced jalapeno
  • 1 cup shredded light mexican blend cheese
  • 1 cup frozen corn 
  • 1 cup nonfat plain greek yogurt
  • 3/4 cup milk
  • 1 egg
  • 4 tbsp butter or earth balance, melted
  • Preheat oven to 375F
  • In one large bowl, combine cornmeal, whole wheat flour, baking powder, soda, salt and sugar and whisk so everything is combined and distributed
  • In another bowl whisk together yogurt, milk, and egg
  • Whisk in melted earth balance
  • Add wet to dry and fold until just combined
  • Gently fold in jalapeno, cheese, and corn 
  • Spray a 9x12 pan with cooking spray, and smooth batter evenly into pan
  • Bake for 45 minutes or until golden
  • Let it cool for 5-10 minutes before cutting and serving. Yum!

 This cornbread is a little different from what you're probably used to. It's super moist, not super sweet, and (gasp!) healthy!

I think I've redeemed myself for all that string cheese by now.


It's All Greek to Me

There a really popular pin on pinterest right now of a hamburger that is stuffed with cheddar and wrapped in bacon. It looks ridiculous. Ridiculously good. But as you probably know if you've read this blog more than once, I don't let myself eat stuff like that because 1. it's a slippery slope, and 2. nobody ever finishes a meal like that and says "i feel so good about myself right now!" So naturally, that haunting pin stayed in my food thoughts for days... how can I eat that without dying immediately?

Well nobody says you can't have healthy stuffed burgers.

Tips for healthifying ANY recipe:
1. Substitute FAT with FLAVOR (spices, herbs, and other naturally flavorful things like stinky cheese)
2. Lean out the meat. There's no need to use full fat meat when you're adding other flavors.
3. Top it with something tasty. (see Tzatziki recipe below and you will not have any questions)

Let's make some stuffed greek turkey burgers, eh?

Olive and Feta Stuffed Turkey Burgers w/ Tzatziki
 4 servings


  • Patties
    • 1 package lean ground turkey breast
    • 1 tbsp dried oregano
    • 2 tsp dried dill
    • 1 tsp garlic powder
    • 1/2 tsp salt
    • 1/2 tsp black pepper
    • 1-2 tbsp EVOO
  • Filling
    • 1/2. c fat free feta
    • 1/2 c. pitted greek olives
  • Tzatziki
    • 1 c. 2% milkfat plain greek yogurt (the little bit of fat here is totally worth it for mouth feel)
    • 1/2 c. shredded persian cucumber (or any small cuc)
    • 1 clove garlic, grated
    • 1/2 tsp dried oregano
    • 1/2 tsp dried dill
    • 1/4 tsp sea salt
    • 1/2 tsp black pepper


  • Make the tzatziki first, or a few hours ahead, so all the flavors have time to come together
  • Grate cucumber over a kitchen towel, then squeeze out extra moisture over the sink
  • You should get a few tablespoons of liquid out of every 1/2 c. of cucumber
  • Grate garlic with a microplane or fine grater
i want a microplane for my birthday. plz.
  • Stir all ingredients well and put in fridge covered until ready to eat

so good.
  • In a food processor, combine feta and pitted olives
sodium party!
  • Pulse until you have a tapenade-like consistency. Set aside.
  • In a large bowl, mix turkey breast with oregano, dill, garlic pow, salt, and pepper
that's an appetizing photo.
  • Lay out a few sheets of wax paper on a cold counter
  • Form sixteen evenly sized balls with the turkey meat and place on wax paper with 4-5" between each other. Pink slime anyone?
  • With another sheet of wax paper and your palm, flatten the meat pancakes. Yum.
  • Place 1-2 tbsp of olive-feta mixture on 8 of the patties
  • Top the olive-feta topped patties with another turkey patty
  • Using a sheet of wax paper to keep your hands clean, press the turkey patties together, sealing the edges like ravioli
  • Heat a pan over med-high heat with 1-2 tbsp EVOO
  • Fry patties in batches so they aren't crowded in the pan
  • Cook for 4-5 minutes on each side or until brown and crispy

  • Then return all patties to the pan, reduce heat to medium, and put a lid on it for 5-8 more minutes, or until patties are cooked all the way through
  • Serve with whole wheat pita, tzatziki, and a big green salad!

 Winner! These were so good! I can't wait to try more versions of stuffed turkey burgers. Really, the options are endless. Goat cheese and sun dried tomato? Bleu cheese and apple? Oh hells yes.

Hot tip on salad dressings: If you have a full fat dressing that you like but don't like the fact that it is full fat, dilute it with vinegar, buttermilk, and/or water. Trader joe's has a creamy feta dressing that is yumtastic but at 110 cal/serving, it's not so yumtastic on my thighs. So I diluted it with 50% red wine vinegar. If you don't like vinegar so much, dilute creamy dressings with buttermilk or milk and oily dressings with water or a water/vinegar mix. You could also dilute a full fat with a low fat, like fat free ranch with full fat ranch. Got it?

Look at this and try to tell me you're not hungry: